I Succumb

I Succumb
For releife
My escape
From the gnawing, gaping hole
Left from loss, regret and remorse

I Succumb
To the Need
The Desperate Dominating
Ever present Hunger

Oh yes
I Devour the Tasty and Forbidden
Now Dripping from my Lips

I Succumbed...
When
When will I Quench
This Need?

Short woman in a tree

When going for walks in the 1600 acres, I pass a tall pine each trip. For years I have passed this pine and say "some day I'm going to climb".
Passing it today I could no longer ignore its beckoning: "Climb me Jeanette, you know you want to". Being a woman easily given to curiosity, I decided it was finally time to climb.
From the dirt path, the climb looked easy. In envisioned myself reaching its summit gazing high above the woods - an eagles view! But as I began, I realized a horrible truth: I am vertically challenged! The leg reach of a 5ft woman is not great enough for my dream fulfillment :(
Using both hands to hoist my foot up and pulling myself up one branch at a time, I did manage to climb approximately 25 of this 150ft beauty.
Both condemming my disability, and celebrating my effort I perched.
The scampering below made me believe there were dear nearby. Armed with my camera, the mighty huntress (lol) waited its prey. It got closer and my heart raced.
Finally, it appeared: a small rodent like animal with a fluffy tail. A SQUIRREL.
I laughed at myself, my naivete, photographed the height I achieved and went on my merry way.

Taking Advantage of Indian Summer in Maine

Laying on a moss covered rock - flowing streams surround me. Boots off, sun warming my skin. Soft breeze, a breath of life. Oh (surprise), a black fisher scampers by, sit up - a quiet reach for the camera *snap. Too Late. I wonder what his mission is this Sunday afternoon in early November. Perhaps, like me, to bask in the fleeting warmth of an indian summer day before the long arduous winter settles in. I lay back down, soft bed of moss, on a rock in the middle of the woods with the bubbling water and warming sun. All is good in world: right here, right now.

Fisher: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fisher_(animal)

epilogue: I arrived back home, proud of my accomplishments. I made it out in the beautiful day. Tree climbing story to come later, lol. Readying to download photos to the computer, I cant find my glasses. High and low I look. nowhere. They are all the way back at the rock I was sitting on in the middle of the woods. Thank goodness for Jon and his truck who drove me back most of the way. There they were, waiting for me.

The Scent of Childhood

Just thinking of the word "Peony" evokes a powerful memory of the senses. The sweet scent fills a hunger, the velvety touch of each petal is remembered. Even the awe of a tiny red haired child, amazed by the busyness of ants doing their work. Wonderment. Delight. A moment in time forever relivable, to grasp anytime I want. This was Grandma's backyard
And it doesn't stop there.
A Raspberry Tree always available to hide in the branches. Their scent is later in the summer. When the ground is covered with them rotting, the flies are everywhere drinking nectar. A trellis of deep red roses. I make perfume from its petals to sell in an imaginary shop. I flavor with vanilla the starchy insides of a plant referred to as "indian gum". I plant forget me not seeds - they never germinate.
I wonder is there power in child hood or powerlesness? I felt this tiny triangular plot of land as my domain. It was huge in my youth - now seemingly postage sized. Is it the change of my size from a tiny girl to an adult that changed its perspective? Or is it that my experiences have broadened my life so that my childhood space shrunk?

Good Night Moon

This picture was taken at the Children's Discovery Museum in Bangor. They have lots of cool stuff there. The kids that went from Kids Peace had a terrific time. Im so grateful that there are programs such as Kids Peace to take care of my very challenging boy. I would rarely risk
taking him to such things as museums or programs anymore because he is too much of a handful and things can get dangerous. http://www.kidspeace.org/

Nirvana

The Blues

Happy Mothers Day =}

The Well

At the bottom of the well
the liquid is not only the rain
but salty tears
There is no escape
I have scraped layers of my
fingers raw, bloody-
mixing with the juices from below
clawing, going nowhere
I see pieces of my flesh on the stones

Is it fear I feel?
Regret?
I think I will just sleep some more on
this rock keeping me above the
water line.

Maybe when I awake,
Ill be somewhere else.

backlash - PTSD

Well, Ive just spent the last few minutes bawling.. I will nap soon. This is the first opportunity Ive had to be by myself since Josephs meltdown on Saturday. I guess Ive been feeling like hes doing so good.. hes made such good progress, and then to see him regress so quickly and to be in fear of being alone with him again.. well, its just overwhelming. This may be depression talking but
sometimes I wish Joseph would just get it over and kill me in one of his rages so I wouldnt be in so much pain over the teeter totter life his issues has put us through.

Joseph is going downhill

Saturday we picked Joseph up and kept him overnight. The visit started out great. Family went fishing. Ate burgers, Joseph went online to Power Rangers site. Then he asked for the Bionicles site which is a banned thing for him now. I told him no and he did it anyway. It took both Jon and I to turn off the computer and get him away from it. He laid on the floor fingers in ears and screeched and screamed. Then he ran to put on his shoes and bolt out of the house. Next was kicking slapping faces. We had to blanket wrap him. It took the two of us. We finally got him back down to the bedroom. He started to calm then started up again throwing things at me. Another wrap, kicking slapping trying to bite. The whole thing lasted about 50 minutes and both Jon and I were exhausted. This meltdown was very reminiscent of why hes in placement, and Im sad to see it return. What does this mean? I already cant take him on a drive alone for fear that he will attack me while Im driving. Does this mean now I can NEVER be alone with him? I certainly wouldnt have managed by myself last night

Messiah

I dreamt.. an assasination plot against my life
People I trusted, close and intimate
WHY?
I was to be the next Messiah
I knew this was ridiculous. What do I know of Dogma?
Led down corridors by my left arm, riding elevators
and cars in a pre ordained stance...
Must learn this new perfection
I know this is a mistake
I am more lowly than a worm
Where did these people get their information?

Siberian Squill

There is an old house in Bangor ME that has a blanket of these little beauties. They are so dense that from a short distance, nothing but blue can be seen. They are escape artists and can be seen in neighboring properties up to two blocks away. The first flowers of spring along with the crocus and part of the Hyacinth family. Naturally, I have need for them in my own garden. So Nathan and I with bags and shovel dig up some to transplant under the trees in my back yard. Here are the pics of them in their new home. Since they were planted yesterday and look in fair shape, I believe they will be be ok. wish me luck, Peace, Jeanette

Spring has sprung in my heart

Went on a walk yesterday to enjoy the coming of spring. Still to cold and the wind was whipping. No ability to do yard work, but ample ability to view nature. Check out photo album "walk April 13". I am always amazed by the ability for the trees in this area to root on nothing but what has collected on them. Large trees supported by very little grounding. Perhaps a lesson to me that I can support a rich life despite what I have to work with. The tulip shoots burst through the leaves.. Nothing gets in their way. I will be surprised by their color as they were gifts from my friend Alice. Bandit, as usual - in the water.slap, bite, and bark. Also enjoy the three foot waterfall running at my house. Id like to build a hut there and sit, perhaps drawing or contemplating life for hours.

Joseph draws a picture of KidsPeace

Well, I always thought Joseph was rather otherworldly. Now I know why. Hes an alien!
I just love how this kid thinks. Thank God for giving me Joseph!

too much snow

A few days from March.. uh huh..... insanity
Sometimes Chicago looks good again