Monday, December 10, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Front Yard Thanksgiving Weekend
Right out my bedroom window. If you look carefully, you can see the lake on the other side of the deciduous trees
Birches in the works
Well, I finally have a studio.. a closet..
This is going to be a fun winter, stuck in a closet to do art. Let me know what you think!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
September 2007
I have been depressed since the end of July, when we had to move Joseph back to a group home. Nothing gives me pleasure. Not Art, Gardening. I am at war with God. I want to neither work nor sleep. Ive started watching crime dramas in bed at night.
But something clicked. My mother (Aunti Barb) and her new husband are visiting soon. I am worried about how awful my house looks. We werent able to replace it with a modular this year due to finances. I dont want her to see the way I live.... so I begin to do something about it.
I sponge painted the living room, packed up some things for storage. Added some annuals to a garden I thought was done for the year. I readied the boys for the new school year. I tried to wait patiently for my Aunt and Uncle to arrive.
Yay.. so here it goes. The weather was awful, I got to spend time with my new uncle ( I like him!) Jon took time off work and drove us to see moose and mountains. My aunt found a rock for my garden. I remembered that my family is pretty is awesome. I didnt want them to leave. Hopefully they will come again.
The shape of my house and life does not matter - my family loves me.
But something clicked. My mother (Aunti Barb) and her new husband are visiting soon. I am worried about how awful my house looks. We werent able to replace it with a modular this year due to finances. I dont want her to see the way I live.... so I begin to do something about it.
I sponge painted the living room, packed up some things for storage. Added some annuals to a garden I thought was done for the year. I readied the boys for the new school year. I tried to wait patiently for my Aunt and Uncle to arrive.
Yay.. so here it goes. The weather was awful, I got to spend time with my new uncle ( I like him!) Jon took time off work and drove us to see moose and mountains. My aunt found a rock for my garden. I remembered that my family is pretty is awesome. I didnt want them to leave. Hopefully they will come again.
The shape of my house and life does not matter - my family loves me.
Time Takes Time
Whats to be said about an entry that only one person is meant to read? This blog is a continuim.. even my husband - my life mate has made little reference here yet. I have an opportunity to write only late at night and early in the morning. More will be said, more needs to be said. Peace please. I am too old and hormonal for anything else.
Early 1996
I believe this was Joseph at around 9months. He sure does look happy. Things were pretty happy then. We had no idea Joseph would be diagnosed with Autism, we had bought our first home. Both boys were active, loving and growing.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Joseph
Life doesnt get much better than this!
Heres Joseph on a visit to his new group home. He'll be moving November 5.
We call this an Air Bag. Its huge and he loves it.
Joseph just turned 12 October 8.
Nathan
What a beautiful day. Nathan and I took Bandit on a walk in the 1600 acre woods last Saturday. There wont be many days as nice as this anymore!! The long winter awaits.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
October 1995
Joseph is born.
I never knew contractions could hurt that bad.
I am a 4'11' woman with 8 1/2 lb baby in my uterus. For weeks when he moves, I drop to the ground and writhe in pain. I feel he is beating me up from inside.
My pregnancy with Joseph is emotional.
My pregnancy with Nathan, born in December of 93, ended 5 weeks early. I had something called HELP syndrome. HELP syndrome is similar to eclampsia with liver function issues, edema. What saved Nathan was the fetal monitor in the hospital. I had been sent to receive fluids after vomiting for 10 days. While on the monitor, Nathan stopped breathing, murconium asparation. An emergency C section and a day of oxygen brought my fighting boy along wonderfully. I continued to get sicker over a period of several days. Basically nathan and I were both at risk for our lives.
I had also lost my mother to cancer during my pregnancy with Nathan in November. When nathan was 5 months old, Jon and I left the only area I knew, the suburbs of Chicago, to move to Maine.
While pregnant with Joseph, depression was constant. I remember planning to have him, and then commit suicide. Depression had been an issue all my life. I believe I was at 7 months when I informed my health practitioners of how low I had become. It was recommended I try Prozac. Prozac was a miracle to me. I suffered from dizzy spells. I drank water from a camp. What stupidity. Coming from Chicago, all water was city water. I had no concept of well water. The water at this camp came directly from a lake. It was a hot, dryer summer that year. Giardia was the diagnosis after several days in the hospital. I thought for sure I was coming down with HELP syndrome again. I remember Jon all excited when the ultrasound revealed Joseph to be a boy. "Way to go, Mom!" he said.
A later ultrasound had me back for another one. The measurements of Josephs head showed his head to be bigger than normal at the time of development. I look back at this now and wonder if this was a sign of differing development. And what of prozac?
It was decided Joseph was too big to come out the traditional way, so it was a C section again. He was perfect, no birthing problems. I was awake for the C section this time. I felt connected to him immediately.
Back in my room the nurse was ready to take Joseph to the nursery. I remember saying "That baby is MINE". I was determined to make up for the time Nathan and I lacked in bonding as I was so sick with his birth. Joseph slept with me in the hospital bed, prompting many years of attachment at the hip. At age 12, our relationship is the same.
The first few months...
I remember a particularly bad night when Joseph was about 2 months. He cried for 4 hours straight. I believe I called the doctor and was told to hang in there.. it was colic. There were hours of "bouncing" him in my arms. It seemed the more vigorous the movement, the more he relaxed. Joseph took the "bouncing baby boy" expression quite literally.
I also rushed Joseph to the ER at around 2months in fear he was having a seizure. I was laying on the couch (my usual position for sleeping) with Joseph in my arms. He sort of opened his eyes and did this flutter and shake. He was checked over at the hospital. Nothing seemed amiss. The professionals ruled it out as a sort of nodding off, half sleep body reaction.
I can tell you from personal experience that Josephs autism had nothing to do with vaccinations. Although I do not negate parents who believe their children are adversely affected, this was not the case with Joseph.
Joseph seemed to need me all the time. I couldnt put him down, noone else could comfort him but me. It was about at 4 months when the colic let up, and he was much happier. In fact he was happier than I expected. He seemed to tell himself jokes. He was always giggling at some private conversation.
Josephs development seemed very normal if not advanced. He was up and running before we knew it. Scaling furniture and having dressers topple under his climbing was common by about 8 months. He loved being tickled. The more you tickled. The more he loved it.
I never knew contractions could hurt that bad.
I am a 4'11' woman with 8 1/2 lb baby in my uterus. For weeks when he moves, I drop to the ground and writhe in pain. I feel he is beating me up from inside.
My pregnancy with Joseph is emotional.
My pregnancy with Nathan, born in December of 93, ended 5 weeks early. I had something called HELP syndrome. HELP syndrome is similar to eclampsia with liver function issues, edema. What saved Nathan was the fetal monitor in the hospital. I had been sent to receive fluids after vomiting for 10 days. While on the monitor, Nathan stopped breathing, murconium asparation. An emergency C section and a day of oxygen brought my fighting boy along wonderfully. I continued to get sicker over a period of several days. Basically nathan and I were both at risk for our lives.
I had also lost my mother to cancer during my pregnancy with Nathan in November. When nathan was 5 months old, Jon and I left the only area I knew, the suburbs of Chicago, to move to Maine.
While pregnant with Joseph, depression was constant. I remember planning to have him, and then commit suicide. Depression had been an issue all my life. I believe I was at 7 months when I informed my health practitioners of how low I had become. It was recommended I try Prozac. Prozac was a miracle to me. I suffered from dizzy spells. I drank water from a camp. What stupidity. Coming from Chicago, all water was city water. I had no concept of well water. The water at this camp came directly from a lake. It was a hot, dryer summer that year. Giardia was the diagnosis after several days in the hospital. I thought for sure I was coming down with HELP syndrome again. I remember Jon all excited when the ultrasound revealed Joseph to be a boy. "Way to go, Mom!" he said.
A later ultrasound had me back for another one. The measurements of Josephs head showed his head to be bigger than normal at the time of development. I look back at this now and wonder if this was a sign of differing development. And what of prozac?
It was decided Joseph was too big to come out the traditional way, so it was a C section again. He was perfect, no birthing problems. I was awake for the C section this time. I felt connected to him immediately.
Back in my room the nurse was ready to take Joseph to the nursery. I remember saying "That baby is MINE". I was determined to make up for the time Nathan and I lacked in bonding as I was so sick with his birth. Joseph slept with me in the hospital bed, prompting many years of attachment at the hip. At age 12, our relationship is the same.
The first few months...
I remember a particularly bad night when Joseph was about 2 months. He cried for 4 hours straight. I believe I called the doctor and was told to hang in there.. it was colic. There were hours of "bouncing" him in my arms. It seemed the more vigorous the movement, the more he relaxed. Joseph took the "bouncing baby boy" expression quite literally.
I also rushed Joseph to the ER at around 2months in fear he was having a seizure. I was laying on the couch (my usual position for sleeping) with Joseph in my arms. He sort of opened his eyes and did this flutter and shake. He was checked over at the hospital. Nothing seemed amiss. The professionals ruled it out as a sort of nodding off, half sleep body reaction.
I can tell you from personal experience that Josephs autism had nothing to do with vaccinations. Although I do not negate parents who believe their children are adversely affected, this was not the case with Joseph.
Joseph seemed to need me all the time. I couldnt put him down, noone else could comfort him but me. It was about at 4 months when the colic let up, and he was much happier. In fact he was happier than I expected. He seemed to tell himself jokes. He was always giggling at some private conversation.
Josephs development seemed very normal if not advanced. He was up and running before we knew it. Scaling furniture and having dressers topple under his climbing was common by about 8 months. He loved being tickled. The more you tickled. The more he loved it.
Making Peace - Writing it Down
I dont want to be angry at God anymore. I want peace.
There is no closure with Autism. It is like an open gaping sore. The very air we breathe wafts across the sore. It feels like pins and needles. Never at rest. The beautiful boy I know just turned 12. In a year, an official teenager. What man will he become? I see hints of him now.
Josephs story is complex. It will take a long time to write it, to feel it. But it needs to be told. I am alone in a bubble of misery. Temporary albeit, but misery. In another day, another reality (things really do change that quickly) I will be ecstatic, elated. Joseph's unique abilities charge me with an understanding of life, of all things. But the wonderful gift given to me at his birth, curses me. God gave me the most precious gift in the world, but I cant have him, hes not mine. Joseph has spent 4 long years in and out of psychiatric facilities, hospitals, group homes with periods of trying desperately to transition him home. My life is broken without him. I am incomplete. He is transitioning to a new group home in November. This is supposed to be a more permanent placement. I am in fear of new staff, another transition for him, me. October is never a gentle month on Joseph or myself. It is filled with memories of broken promises from my childhood, Joseph's birth, the natural rythym of dormancy. We experience it - He and I on a molecular level. And for some reason, we always go down fighting. I am learning Buddhism, Acceptance is key. But I am a long way from it.
This story will be written in Journal style.
It will take a long time to organize it.
I will ramble. and not make sense, I will reference people, books, old journal entries and issues. This work will require footnotes and reference notes. Because of length I will provide an * on facts and items of historical importance. The rest will be bung. Is that a word? You may skip bung and only read *. The choice is yours.
There is no closure with Autism. It is like an open gaping sore. The very air we breathe wafts across the sore. It feels like pins and needles. Never at rest. The beautiful boy I know just turned 12. In a year, an official teenager. What man will he become? I see hints of him now.
Josephs story is complex. It will take a long time to write it, to feel it. But it needs to be told. I am alone in a bubble of misery. Temporary albeit, but misery. In another day, another reality (things really do change that quickly) I will be ecstatic, elated. Joseph's unique abilities charge me with an understanding of life, of all things. But the wonderful gift given to me at his birth, curses me. God gave me the most precious gift in the world, but I cant have him, hes not mine. Joseph has spent 4 long years in and out of psychiatric facilities, hospitals, group homes with periods of trying desperately to transition him home. My life is broken without him. I am incomplete. He is transitioning to a new group home in November. This is supposed to be a more permanent placement. I am in fear of new staff, another transition for him, me. October is never a gentle month on Joseph or myself. It is filled with memories of broken promises from my childhood, Joseph's birth, the natural rythym of dormancy. We experience it - He and I on a molecular level. And for some reason, we always go down fighting. I am learning Buddhism, Acceptance is key. But I am a long way from it.
This story will be written in Journal style.
It will take a long time to organize it.
I will ramble. and not make sense, I will reference people, books, old journal entries and issues. This work will require footnotes and reference notes. Because of length I will provide an * on facts and items of historical importance. The rest will be bung. Is that a word? You may skip bung and only read *. The choice is yours.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
The Rose Mosaic $400.00Sunday, May 27, 2007
Update... buying a new home
but still staying on our property. We are finally doing it. Looking into modulars. More info to come.
Friday, April 27, 2007
I love you Ter
What a gift to find someone as special as you. Some one to lean on, cry on, laugh with, share with. Someone who understands me almost better than I understand myself. Someone who will point out things even if it is painful.
You have filled in the missing pieces of my life. You have given me roots when I had none. Time and distance mean nothing to our love, our connection.
I cant believe you were there all along.
Part of my family, waiting for me to grow up so we could connect.
I love you
Jeanette
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Welcome Home Joseph
Here he is - red eye and all. After 19 months of being away from home. He spent 8 months in a psychiatric facility with an autism unit. Then almost a year in a local group home preparing him and the family to receive him back in our house. This was a long process. The family had become PTSD victims from all the explosive, dangerous and violent outbursts from Joseph over the years. I contracted with the best Behavioral program in the area to provide care for him in the home. We went over safety plans and readjusted our homes in terms of securing entrances and exits as Joseph bolts often. We labeled the house, set ground rules and wrote "social stories" to help him understand safe behavior. We developed schedules and communication tools as Joseph still has the expressive language of about 2.5years. Its alot of work. Many people confronted me on why I would allow his insanity back in our lives. Two reasons. He is my heart and this is what the Department of Human Services wants: kids at home. Lets hope his gains will continue to grow.
Monday, March 19, 2007
The New News
Joseph will be returning home April 2, 2007. He has been in some sort of hospitalization or group home since July 26, 2005. This has been a long, slow, painful process for the whole family. We are excited and anxious to have him return home, and sometimes I dont know how I am going to manage once he gets here.
One thing that I have committed to is doing an ayurvedic body cleanse and excercise program during the same time Joseph transitions home so that I can force some self care. Currently I am praying and repeating mantras to remove all that is in my way of making positive changes. A slow housecleaning is part of this project also.
During the month of March we are having Joseph stay one additional school night per week at the house so we can slowly get used to a new routine, stressers. It worked well the first couple of weeks, but now Joseph is becoming anxious to move home and has become irritable and cranky. For him irritable and cranky looks totally out of control to the rest of us. So, it is difficult to stick to the resolve of bringing Joseph home while watching him slowly become troublesome.
One thing that I have committed to is doing an ayurvedic body cleanse and excercise program during the same time Joseph transitions home so that I can force some self care. Currently I am praying and repeating mantras to remove all that is in my way of making positive changes. A slow housecleaning is part of this project also.
During the month of March we are having Joseph stay one additional school night per week at the house so we can slowly get used to a new routine, stressers. It worked well the first couple of weeks, but now Joseph is becoming anxious to move home and has become irritable and cranky. For him irritable and cranky looks totally out of control to the rest of us. So, it is difficult to stick to the resolve of bringing Joseph home while watching him slowly become troublesome.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Ferns waiting for spring
Just like me. Theres something mystical about the lighting. Its amazing how green under the cold and snow. Life in frozen state
dinosaur computer accesses blogger
I am forced to use my old computer. My mother board is fried and I will be sending out my newest computer for repair. Its amazing how much we count on our computers. I have felt lost, confused and unconnected. The good thing is that my browser was having trouble with my new computer and I couldnt "blog" since October. So, my reliable but half not working computer CAN blog.. Is this temporary? I am hoping the Techs can fix all my issues so I can continue to stay connected.
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