Nirvana

The Blues

Happy Mothers Day =}

The Well

At the bottom of the well
the liquid is not only the rain
but salty tears
There is no escape
I have scraped layers of my
fingers raw, bloody-
mixing with the juices from below
clawing, going nowhere
I see pieces of my flesh on the stones

Is it fear I feel?
Regret?
I think I will just sleep some more on
this rock keeping me above the
water line.

Maybe when I awake,
Ill be somewhere else.

backlash - PTSD

Well, Ive just spent the last few minutes bawling.. I will nap soon. This is the first opportunity Ive had to be by myself since Josephs meltdown on Saturday. I guess Ive been feeling like hes doing so good.. hes made such good progress, and then to see him regress so quickly and to be in fear of being alone with him again.. well, its just overwhelming. This may be depression talking but
sometimes I wish Joseph would just get it over and kill me in one of his rages so I wouldnt be in so much pain over the teeter totter life his issues has put us through.

Joseph is going downhill

Saturday we picked Joseph up and kept him overnight. The visit started out great. Family went fishing. Ate burgers, Joseph went online to Power Rangers site. Then he asked for the Bionicles site which is a banned thing for him now. I told him no and he did it anyway. It took both Jon and I to turn off the computer and get him away from it. He laid on the floor fingers in ears and screeched and screamed. Then he ran to put on his shoes and bolt out of the house. Next was kicking slapping faces. We had to blanket wrap him. It took the two of us. We finally got him back down to the bedroom. He started to calm then started up again throwing things at me. Another wrap, kicking slapping trying to bite. The whole thing lasted about 50 minutes and both Jon and I were exhausted. This meltdown was very reminiscent of why hes in placement, and Im sad to see it return. What does this mean? I already cant take him on a drive alone for fear that he will attack me while Im driving. Does this mean now I can NEVER be alone with him? I certainly wouldnt have managed by myself last night