On Letting Go.. Struggling with Mindfulness

I had planned on including a photograph of an event along with prose to my blog.  The picture was not on my current phone.  The image may be lost on a dead laptop.    I was tempted to go to the event location and recreate the scene just for a photo.  Hmm.. But I would know it was not the genuine original experience.  

Thoughts strung with thoughts…  Realization:  we (humans) are constantly trying to recreate an original experience. Maybe we need to just let go.

Maybe each moment and experience is and should be separate from another.

More thoughts.. Is Art recreation of inexperience?  Am I, as an Artist, stuck in attempting to recreate something that is to be left behind?

Always life brings us little things to ponder.  I shall breathe, let go of this thought and get back to my art.

Namaste

The septic bite.

Who'd have thought that one bite from a human could cause so much pain for so long.  This is what Joseph did to me on Easter of 2015.
Here are posts I made regarding this bite:
I have been putting this off for several days. I've hidden my wounds because I on some level I feel shame. I feel anger. I feel hurt. I am ashamed that I cannot seem to be able to protect myself from assaults by my own son. 
This is what happened on Easter Sunday in a SUPERVISED visit at the facility Joseph lives at because he is too violent to live at home. 
This is what the face of Autism Awareness looks like. This is what may happen to me when I visit my son. This injury or similar has happened to me three times in less than a year. Last summer it took 4 staff to extract him from me. In September, I needed an emergency visit because he dropped me to the floor with his fingers gripping my hair at the scalp. He then used this as a lever to kick in my scapula from the back.

I am NOT a victim. I will not hide it. I will not make excuses. Autism has robbed me of my career, my health and my connections to other people.
Yet, I continue to advocate, support, teach and love.
I AM A Peaceful Warrior.
Nuff said,
Go about your day

— feeling determined.

Days 6 and 7.
I was to attend school this weekend. Yoga Teacher Training has been healing for me on many levels. But struggling with muscle spasms and an inability to manage them properly away from home. I believe I will be rounding a corner. Tomorrow will look much better.

 — feeling hopeful.

Day 13. Deep fascia infection seems to be clearing up. Of course the antibiotics I needed to take has cleared out my system of anything good. Waiting results from x rays taken to see if the bone is infected. Shaky and wondering if I can ever safely visit my son. I am doing well to stay as positive as I am.

Day 21: Infection gone. I am left with a rather large hematoma and muscle spasms. Dropped into a rather deep depression though. Some thoughts and energy sent my way would be appreciated.

I

New World for Joseph

There have been only a handful of people in Joseph's life gifted with the ability to connect with Joseph in a very meaningful way.  One of them is his current Head Classroom Teacher, Tiara.

She told me a story recently about Joseph and I asked her to write it down for me so that I may add it to his story here.
It is amazing.  Hope you enjoy.

Joseph’s Thoughts on His Future:

Joseph really enjoys the song “Clint Eastwood” by the Gorrillaz.  He calls this song “Future is Coming.” Upon listening to this song one day in the classroom, I decided to use the lyrics as a prompt to talk to Joseph.  I used a white board to write questions to Joseph, leaving blanks for his responses.  Joseph was not prompted to respond, but did so independently.  He did not chose to write, so I scribed the responses for him.  The white board read as follows.  Joseph’s answers are in green.

Your Future is Coming On (From the song we had just listened to):

In the future, I will be ___a friend___.

In the future, I will work at _____discipline_____.

In the future, I will live at _______hard_______. (Joseph stated “hard life” here but prompted me to erase life as I wrote it)

(After a few moments of silence and some staring away from me and the board)

I am thinking about ___new world___.

You Can't Rush Art

I must remember to teach Joseph how to transfer a picture onto canvas board.  Maybe a new slide book.  During this painting,  I turned a photo from online art into a paint by number. I visited KidsPeace and had him paint a color at a time, slowly creating from light to dark.  He and I bantered as he painted.  At one point I  offered  him a "Script" of "You Can't Rush Art".  It stuck.  Although I do not think he uses this much with people other than me, he and I share our little one liner as our private communication.

Love... Reign on me

  

  

 

Went for a walk with the animals..

 When one of us were too far behind, we beckonned for the others to wait up.  When one of us wanted to get going, we communicated that also.  Bandit, the border collie and Nick, the black cat, are very challenging walking buddies. They force me to continue on and stay on track.  The woods seemed full of gifts on this 40 degree morning.  Dew hung from the trees on every single leaf, and as the wind blew, the dew rained down on us.  It felt as if the trees were raining love on us.  I began to sing, the woods felt alive with its own music, keeping me in tempo. 

The words of The Who song came instantly to mind: 

Only Love, can bring the rain that falls like tears from our eyes…. Love! Rain on me! 

Trees continued to rain their love and I paused arms outstretched to catch this love that I yearn for.  A single leaf teetered in the air, dropped into my hand in ease.. A gift from the Tree Gods, saturated with dew/love juice.  With nothing left to sing, nothing left to say, I accepted this gift.

Full Moon Flight

Full Moon Flight

Sly smile on my face

I grab your hand

And throw back my head in laughter

We kick off shoes

And take flight into the night

Bounding as Deer thru through trees

Pines brush our skin

Pay no heed

Quick stop

Run fingers across ridges of birches

Peek a boo from the other side of tree

*Tag*

Youre it!!

Off again

Laughter meets night

Scrapes from boughs

Well lick wounds later

Clearing reached we are breathless, dizzy, panting.. Falling

Gazing up

Moon song only we understand

Sung in Morse Code

Thru moving Clouds

Stances punctuated with fireflies

We Listen and Know

The Wonder of Joseph

Joseph never ceases to amaze me in his ability to connect with the universe. Sometimes allowing him to wander free, without a schedule can lead to an experience of the spirit.

I sat on a swing set watching my son wander the yard. At the edge of the yard was a line of tall grasses, thistles and overgrowth. He stood at its edge, collecting bugs and storing them in his hand. The process took a long time as I watched from afar, trying not to intercede and demand he not touch bugs. I noticed the insect of choice of the day was a metallic beetle with blue/green/black wings. He must have collected over 40 of them, taking his time to hold them carefully in one hand, while plucking with the other. Attention is never Joseph’s strong point, so I sat in wonder how he was so intent, happy in his task.

No longer able to store more, Joseph held them cupped in both hands. With one motion, he tossed them into the air, like confetti. The affect was amazing. The beetles, sparkling metallic blue green and black fluttered in the air above his head. Joseph gazed up in wonder, connected to his surroundings. I saw a look of pride at his created spirit-art. Time stopped for us both while the beetles, looking like pixie dust, twinkled and hovered before their dispersal.

I marveled at my son and realized that with all his struggles and torments he fights on a daily basis, he still is capable of finding moments of wonder. Removed from the fear of touching insects (as most fears escape him) he is able to do things that none other can do. He truly DOES have a spiritual side. Joseph quietly (nonverbally) reminds those around him to slow down and connect with what is around us. Many who work with Joseph say he has touched their lives in a positive way - a spiritual way. I am blessed to have this wonderful boy be part of my life.

I wait for his next lesson to me.

Pondering Late Fall

The schedule of leaf shedding in the late fall...
Maples seem to drop theirs first, Elm quickly behind.
The Oak and Beech leaves hang on to the leaves the longest. They are stubborn, refusing to let go.

My small glass cutting station is set in front of a large window, my view: An Oak, some garden.
At this time of year when most trees are skeletons, I can see a lake across one of the busiest roadways in the area. Only a few trees still carry a spattering of brown leaves.

Today is particularly harsh on the remaining - heavy winds and torrential rainfall pummel with the force of a trained boxer in a match.

Nature agains Nature, the battle continues. I know the leaves will loose this time.

Reflections in glass

How lucky am I to see nature reflected in my work station today!!! Taking time to ponder the small wonders in life is healing..

I Succumb

I Succumb
For releife
My escape
From the gnawing, gaping hole
Left from loss, regret and remorse

I Succumb
To the Need
The Desperate Dominating
Ever present Hunger

Oh yes
I Devour the Tasty and Forbidden
Now Dripping from my Lips

I Succumbed...
When
When will I Quench
This Need?

Short woman in a tree

When going for walks in the 1600 acres, I pass a tall pine each trip. For years I have passed this pine and say "some day I'm going to climb".
Passing it today I could no longer ignore its beckoning: "Climb me Jeanette, you know you want to". Being a woman easily given to curiosity, I decided it was finally time to climb.
From the dirt path, the climb looked easy. In envisioned myself reaching its summit gazing high above the woods - an eagles view! But as I began, I realized a horrible truth: I am vertically challenged! The leg reach of a 5ft woman is not great enough for my dream fulfillment :(
Using both hands to hoist my foot up and pulling myself up one branch at a time, I did manage to climb approximately 25 of this 150ft beauty.
Both condemming my disability, and celebrating my effort I perched.
The scampering below made me believe there were dear nearby. Armed with my camera, the mighty huntress (lol) waited its prey. It got closer and my heart raced.
Finally, it appeared: a small rodent like animal with a fluffy tail. A SQUIRREL.
I laughed at myself, my naivete, photographed the height I achieved and went on my merry way.

Taking Advantage of Indian Summer in Maine

Laying on a moss covered rock - flowing streams surround me. Boots off, sun warming my skin. Soft breeze, a breath of life. Oh (surprise), a black fisher scampers by, sit up - a quiet reach for the camera *snap. Too Late. I wonder what his mission is this Sunday afternoon in early November. Perhaps, like me, to bask in the fleeting warmth of an indian summer day before the long arduous winter settles in. I lay back down, soft bed of moss, on a rock in the middle of the woods with the bubbling water and warming sun. All is good in world: right here, right now.

Fisher: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fisher_(animal)

epilogue: I arrived back home, proud of my accomplishments. I made it out in the beautiful day. Tree climbing story to come later, lol. Readying to download photos to the computer, I cant find my glasses. High and low I look. nowhere. They are all the way back at the rock I was sitting on in the middle of the woods. Thank goodness for Jon and his truck who drove me back most of the way. There they were, waiting for me.

The Scent of Childhood

Just thinking of the word "Peony" evokes a powerful memory of the senses. The sweet scent fills a hunger, the velvety touch of each petal is remembered. Even the awe of a tiny red haired child, amazed by the busyness of ants doing their work. Wonderment. Delight. A moment in time forever relivable, to grasp anytime I want. This was Grandma's backyard
And it doesn't stop there.
A Raspberry Tree always available to hide in the branches. Their scent is later in the summer. When the ground is covered with them rotting, the flies are everywhere drinking nectar. A trellis of deep red roses. I make perfume from its petals to sell in an imaginary shop. I flavor with vanilla the starchy insides of a plant referred to as "indian gum". I plant forget me not seeds - they never germinate.
I wonder is there power in child hood or powerlesness? I felt this tiny triangular plot of land as my domain. It was huge in my youth - now seemingly postage sized. Is it the change of my size from a tiny girl to an adult that changed its perspective? Or is it that my experiences have broadened my life so that my childhood space shrunk?

Good Night Moon

This picture was taken at the Children's Discovery Museum in Bangor. They have lots of cool stuff there. The kids that went from Kids Peace had a terrific time. Im so grateful that there are programs such as Kids Peace to take care of my very challenging boy. I would rarely risk
taking him to such things as museums or programs anymore because he is too much of a handful and things can get dangerous. http://www.kidspeace.org/

Nirvana

The Blues

Happy Mothers Day =}

The Well

At the bottom of the well
the liquid is not only the rain
but salty tears
There is no escape
I have scraped layers of my
fingers raw, bloody-
mixing with the juices from below
clawing, going nowhere
I see pieces of my flesh on the stones

Is it fear I feel?
Regret?
I think I will just sleep some more on
this rock keeping me above the
water line.

Maybe when I awake,
Ill be somewhere else.

backlash - PTSD

Well, Ive just spent the last few minutes bawling.. I will nap soon. This is the first opportunity Ive had to be by myself since Josephs meltdown on Saturday. I guess Ive been feeling like hes doing so good.. hes made such good progress, and then to see him regress so quickly and to be in fear of being alone with him again.. well, its just overwhelming. This may be depression talking but
sometimes I wish Joseph would just get it over and kill me in one of his rages so I wouldnt be in so much pain over the teeter totter life his issues has put us through.

Joseph is going downhill

Saturday we picked Joseph up and kept him overnight. The visit started out great. Family went fishing. Ate burgers, Joseph went online to Power Rangers site. Then he asked for the Bionicles site which is a banned thing for him now. I told him no and he did it anyway. It took both Jon and I to turn off the computer and get him away from it. He laid on the floor fingers in ears and screeched and screamed. Then he ran to put on his shoes and bolt out of the house. Next was kicking slapping faces. We had to blanket wrap him. It took the two of us. We finally got him back down to the bedroom. He started to calm then started up again throwing things at me. Another wrap, kicking slapping trying to bite. The whole thing lasted about 50 minutes and both Jon and I were exhausted. This meltdown was very reminiscent of why hes in placement, and Im sad to see it return. What does this mean? I already cant take him on a drive alone for fear that he will attack me while Im driving. Does this mean now I can NEVER be alone with him? I certainly wouldnt have managed by myself last night