On Letting Go.. Struggling with Mindfulness

I had planned on including a photograph of an event along with prose to my blog.  The picture was not on my current phone.  The image may be lost on a dead laptop.    I was tempted to go to the event location and recreate the scene just for a photo.  Hmm.. But I would know it was not the genuine original experience.  

Thoughts strung with thoughts…  Realization:  we (humans) are constantly trying to recreate an original experience. Maybe we need to just let go.

Maybe each moment and experience is and should be separate from another.

More thoughts.. Is Art recreation of inexperience?  Am I, as an Artist, stuck in attempting to recreate something that is to be left behind?

Always life brings us little things to ponder.  I shall breathe, let go of this thought and get back to my art.

Namaste

The septic bite.

Who'd have thought that one bite from a human could cause so much pain for so long.  This is what Joseph did to me on Easter of 2015.
Here are posts I made regarding this bite:
I have been putting this off for several days. I've hidden my wounds because I on some level I feel shame. I feel anger. I feel hurt. I am ashamed that I cannot seem to be able to protect myself from assaults by my own son. 
This is what happened on Easter Sunday in a SUPERVISED visit at the facility Joseph lives at because he is too violent to live at home. 
This is what the face of Autism Awareness looks like. This is what may happen to me when I visit my son. This injury or similar has happened to me three times in less than a year. Last summer it took 4 staff to extract him from me. In September, I needed an emergency visit because he dropped me to the floor with his fingers gripping my hair at the scalp. He then used this as a lever to kick in my scapula from the back.

I am NOT a victim. I will not hide it. I will not make excuses. Autism has robbed me of my career, my health and my connections to other people.
Yet, I continue to advocate, support, teach and love.
I AM A Peaceful Warrior.
Nuff said,
Go about your day

— feeling determined.

Days 6 and 7.
I was to attend school this weekend. Yoga Teacher Training has been healing for me on many levels. But struggling with muscle spasms and an inability to manage them properly away from home. I believe I will be rounding a corner. Tomorrow will look much better.

 — feeling hopeful.

Day 13. Deep fascia infection seems to be clearing up. Of course the antibiotics I needed to take has cleared out my system of anything good. Waiting results from x rays taken to see if the bone is infected. Shaky and wondering if I can ever safely visit my son. I am doing well to stay as positive as I am.

Day 21: Infection gone. I am left with a rather large hematoma and muscle spasms. Dropped into a rather deep depression though. Some thoughts and energy sent my way would be appreciated.

I

New World for Joseph

There have been only a handful of people in Joseph's life gifted with the ability to connect with Joseph in a very meaningful way.  One of them is his current Head Classroom Teacher, Tiara.

She told me a story recently about Joseph and I asked her to write it down for me so that I may add it to his story here.
It is amazing.  Hope you enjoy.

Joseph’s Thoughts on His Future:

Joseph really enjoys the song “Clint Eastwood” by the Gorrillaz.  He calls this song “Future is Coming.” Upon listening to this song one day in the classroom, I decided to use the lyrics as a prompt to talk to Joseph.  I used a white board to write questions to Joseph, leaving blanks for his responses.  Joseph was not prompted to respond, but did so independently.  He did not chose to write, so I scribed the responses for him.  The white board read as follows.  Joseph’s answers are in green.

Your Future is Coming On (From the song we had just listened to):

In the future, I will be ___a friend___.

In the future, I will work at _____discipline_____.

In the future, I will live at _______hard_______. (Joseph stated “hard life” here but prompted me to erase life as I wrote it)

(After a few moments of silence and some staring away from me and the board)

I am thinking about ___new world___.

You Can't Rush Art

I must remember to teach Joseph how to transfer a picture onto canvas board.  Maybe a new slide book.  During this painting,  I turned a photo from online art into a paint by number. I visited KidsPeace and had him paint a color at a time, slowly creating from light to dark.  He and I bantered as he painted.  At one point I  offered  him a "Script" of "You Can't Rush Art".  It stuck.  Although I do not think he uses this much with people other than me, he and I share our little one liner as our private communication.

Love... Reign on me

  

  

 

Went for a walk with the animals..

 When one of us were too far behind, we beckonned for the others to wait up.  When one of us wanted to get going, we communicated that also.  Bandit, the border collie and Nick, the black cat, are very challenging walking buddies. They force me to continue on and stay on track.  The woods seemed full of gifts on this 40 degree morning.  Dew hung from the trees on every single leaf, and as the wind blew, the dew rained down on us.  It felt as if the trees were raining love on us.  I began to sing, the woods felt alive with its own music, keeping me in tempo. 

The words of The Who song came instantly to mind: 

Only Love, can bring the rain that falls like tears from our eyes…. Love! Rain on me! 

Trees continued to rain their love and I paused arms outstretched to catch this love that I yearn for.  A single leaf teetered in the air, dropped into my hand in ease.. A gift from the Tree Gods, saturated with dew/love juice.  With nothing left to sing, nothing left to say, I accepted this gift.

Full Moon Flight

Full Moon Flight

Sly smile on my face

I grab your hand

And throw back my head in laughter

We kick off shoes

And take flight into the night

Bounding as Deer thru through trees

Pines brush our skin

Pay no heed

Quick stop

Run fingers across ridges of birches

Peek a boo from the other side of tree

*Tag*

Youre it!!

Off again

Laughter meets night

Scrapes from boughs

Well lick wounds later

Clearing reached we are breathless, dizzy, panting.. Falling

Gazing up

Moon song only we understand

Sung in Morse Code

Thru moving Clouds

Stances punctuated with fireflies

We Listen and Know

The Wonder of Joseph

Joseph never ceases to amaze me in his ability to connect with the universe. Sometimes allowing him to wander free, without a schedule can lead to an experience of the spirit.

I sat on a swing set watching my son wander the yard. At the edge of the yard was a line of tall grasses, thistles and overgrowth. He stood at its edge, collecting bugs and storing them in his hand. The process took a long time as I watched from afar, trying not to intercede and demand he not touch bugs. I noticed the insect of choice of the day was a metallic beetle with blue/green/black wings. He must have collected over 40 of them, taking his time to hold them carefully in one hand, while plucking with the other. Attention is never Joseph’s strong point, so I sat in wonder how he was so intent, happy in his task.

No longer able to store more, Joseph held them cupped in both hands. With one motion, he tossed them into the air, like confetti. The affect was amazing. The beetles, sparkling metallic blue green and black fluttered in the air above his head. Joseph gazed up in wonder, connected to his surroundings. I saw a look of pride at his created spirit-art. Time stopped for us both while the beetles, looking like pixie dust, twinkled and hovered before their dispersal.

I marveled at my son and realized that with all his struggles and torments he fights on a daily basis, he still is capable of finding moments of wonder. Removed from the fear of touching insects (as most fears escape him) he is able to do things that none other can do. He truly DOES have a spiritual side. Joseph quietly (nonverbally) reminds those around him to slow down and connect with what is around us. Many who work with Joseph say he has touched their lives in a positive way - a spiritual way. I am blessed to have this wonderful boy be part of my life.

I wait for his next lesson to me.