Life doesnt get much better than this!
Heres Joseph on a visit to his new group home. He'll be moving November 5.
We call this an Air Bag. Its huge and he loves it.
Joseph just turned 12 October 8.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Joseph
Life doesnt get much better than this!
Heres Joseph on a visit to his new group home. He'll be moving November 5.
We call this an Air Bag. Its huge and he loves it.
Joseph just turned 12 October 8.
Nathan
What a beautiful day. Nathan and I took Bandit on a walk in the 1600 acre woods last Saturday. There wont be many days as nice as this anymore!! The long winter awaits.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
October 1995
Joseph is born.
I never knew contractions could hurt that bad.
I am a 4'11' woman with 8 1/2 lb baby in my uterus. For weeks when he moves, I drop to the ground and writhe in pain. I feel he is beating me up from inside.
My pregnancy with Joseph is emotional.
My pregnancy with Nathan, born in December of 93, ended 5 weeks early. I had something called HELP syndrome. HELP syndrome is similar to eclampsia with liver function issues, edema. What saved Nathan was the fetal monitor in the hospital. I had been sent to receive fluids after vomiting for 10 days. While on the monitor, Nathan stopped breathing, murconium asparation. An emergency C section and a day of oxygen brought my fighting boy along wonderfully. I continued to get sicker over a period of several days. Basically nathan and I were both at risk for our lives.
I had also lost my mother to cancer during my pregnancy with Nathan in November. When nathan was 5 months old, Jon and I left the only area I knew, the suburbs of Chicago, to move to Maine.
While pregnant with Joseph, depression was constant. I remember planning to have him, and then commit suicide. Depression had been an issue all my life. I believe I was at 7 months when I informed my health practitioners of how low I had become. It was recommended I try Prozac. Prozac was a miracle to me. I suffered from dizzy spells. I drank water from a camp. What stupidity. Coming from Chicago, all water was city water. I had no concept of well water. The water at this camp came directly from a lake. It was a hot, dryer summer that year. Giardia was the diagnosis after several days in the hospital. I thought for sure I was coming down with HELP syndrome again. I remember Jon all excited when the ultrasound revealed Joseph to be a boy. "Way to go, Mom!" he said.
A later ultrasound had me back for another one. The measurements of Josephs head showed his head to be bigger than normal at the time of development. I look back at this now and wonder if this was a sign of differing development. And what of prozac?
It was decided Joseph was too big to come out the traditional way, so it was a C section again. He was perfect, no birthing problems. I was awake for the C section this time. I felt connected to him immediately.
Back in my room the nurse was ready to take Joseph to the nursery. I remember saying "That baby is MINE". I was determined to make up for the time Nathan and I lacked in bonding as I was so sick with his birth. Joseph slept with me in the hospital bed, prompting many years of attachment at the hip. At age 12, our relationship is the same.
The first few months...
I remember a particularly bad night when Joseph was about 2 months. He cried for 4 hours straight. I believe I called the doctor and was told to hang in there.. it was colic. There were hours of "bouncing" him in my arms. It seemed the more vigorous the movement, the more he relaxed. Joseph took the "bouncing baby boy" expression quite literally.
I also rushed Joseph to the ER at around 2months in fear he was having a seizure. I was laying on the couch (my usual position for sleeping) with Joseph in my arms. He sort of opened his eyes and did this flutter and shake. He was checked over at the hospital. Nothing seemed amiss. The professionals ruled it out as a sort of nodding off, half sleep body reaction.
I can tell you from personal experience that Josephs autism had nothing to do with vaccinations. Although I do not negate parents who believe their children are adversely affected, this was not the case with Joseph.
Joseph seemed to need me all the time. I couldnt put him down, noone else could comfort him but me. It was about at 4 months when the colic let up, and he was much happier. In fact he was happier than I expected. He seemed to tell himself jokes. He was always giggling at some private conversation.
Josephs development seemed very normal if not advanced. He was up and running before we knew it. Scaling furniture and having dressers topple under his climbing was common by about 8 months. He loved being tickled. The more you tickled. The more he loved it.
I never knew contractions could hurt that bad.
I am a 4'11' woman with 8 1/2 lb baby in my uterus. For weeks when he moves, I drop to the ground and writhe in pain. I feel he is beating me up from inside.
My pregnancy with Joseph is emotional.
My pregnancy with Nathan, born in December of 93, ended 5 weeks early. I had something called HELP syndrome. HELP syndrome is similar to eclampsia with liver function issues, edema. What saved Nathan was the fetal monitor in the hospital. I had been sent to receive fluids after vomiting for 10 days. While on the monitor, Nathan stopped breathing, murconium asparation. An emergency C section and a day of oxygen brought my fighting boy along wonderfully. I continued to get sicker over a period of several days. Basically nathan and I were both at risk for our lives.
I had also lost my mother to cancer during my pregnancy with Nathan in November. When nathan was 5 months old, Jon and I left the only area I knew, the suburbs of Chicago, to move to Maine.
While pregnant with Joseph, depression was constant. I remember planning to have him, and then commit suicide. Depression had been an issue all my life. I believe I was at 7 months when I informed my health practitioners of how low I had become. It was recommended I try Prozac. Prozac was a miracle to me. I suffered from dizzy spells. I drank water from a camp. What stupidity. Coming from Chicago, all water was city water. I had no concept of well water. The water at this camp came directly from a lake. It was a hot, dryer summer that year. Giardia was the diagnosis after several days in the hospital. I thought for sure I was coming down with HELP syndrome again. I remember Jon all excited when the ultrasound revealed Joseph to be a boy. "Way to go, Mom!" he said.
A later ultrasound had me back for another one. The measurements of Josephs head showed his head to be bigger than normal at the time of development. I look back at this now and wonder if this was a sign of differing development. And what of prozac?
It was decided Joseph was too big to come out the traditional way, so it was a C section again. He was perfect, no birthing problems. I was awake for the C section this time. I felt connected to him immediately.
Back in my room the nurse was ready to take Joseph to the nursery. I remember saying "That baby is MINE". I was determined to make up for the time Nathan and I lacked in bonding as I was so sick with his birth. Joseph slept with me in the hospital bed, prompting many years of attachment at the hip. At age 12, our relationship is the same.
The first few months...
I remember a particularly bad night when Joseph was about 2 months. He cried for 4 hours straight. I believe I called the doctor and was told to hang in there.. it was colic. There were hours of "bouncing" him in my arms. It seemed the more vigorous the movement, the more he relaxed. Joseph took the "bouncing baby boy" expression quite literally.
I also rushed Joseph to the ER at around 2months in fear he was having a seizure. I was laying on the couch (my usual position for sleeping) with Joseph in my arms. He sort of opened his eyes and did this flutter and shake. He was checked over at the hospital. Nothing seemed amiss. The professionals ruled it out as a sort of nodding off, half sleep body reaction.
I can tell you from personal experience that Josephs autism had nothing to do with vaccinations. Although I do not negate parents who believe their children are adversely affected, this was not the case with Joseph.
Joseph seemed to need me all the time. I couldnt put him down, noone else could comfort him but me. It was about at 4 months when the colic let up, and he was much happier. In fact he was happier than I expected. He seemed to tell himself jokes. He was always giggling at some private conversation.
Josephs development seemed very normal if not advanced. He was up and running before we knew it. Scaling furniture and having dressers topple under his climbing was common by about 8 months. He loved being tickled. The more you tickled. The more he loved it.
Making Peace - Writing it Down
I dont want to be angry at God anymore. I want peace.
There is no closure with Autism. It is like an open gaping sore. The very air we breathe wafts across the sore. It feels like pins and needles. Never at rest. The beautiful boy I know just turned 12. In a year, an official teenager. What man will he become? I see hints of him now.
Josephs story is complex. It will take a long time to write it, to feel it. But it needs to be told. I am alone in a bubble of misery. Temporary albeit, but misery. In another day, another reality (things really do change that quickly) I will be ecstatic, elated. Joseph's unique abilities charge me with an understanding of life, of all things. But the wonderful gift given to me at his birth, curses me. God gave me the most precious gift in the world, but I cant have him, hes not mine. Joseph has spent 4 long years in and out of psychiatric facilities, hospitals, group homes with periods of trying desperately to transition him home. My life is broken without him. I am incomplete. He is transitioning to a new group home in November. This is supposed to be a more permanent placement. I am in fear of new staff, another transition for him, me. October is never a gentle month on Joseph or myself. It is filled with memories of broken promises from my childhood, Joseph's birth, the natural rythym of dormancy. We experience it - He and I on a molecular level. And for some reason, we always go down fighting. I am learning Buddhism, Acceptance is key. But I am a long way from it.
This story will be written in Journal style.
It will take a long time to organize it.
I will ramble. and not make sense, I will reference people, books, old journal entries and issues. This work will require footnotes and reference notes. Because of length I will provide an * on facts and items of historical importance. The rest will be bung. Is that a word? You may skip bung and only read *. The choice is yours.
There is no closure with Autism. It is like an open gaping sore. The very air we breathe wafts across the sore. It feels like pins and needles. Never at rest. The beautiful boy I know just turned 12. In a year, an official teenager. What man will he become? I see hints of him now.
Josephs story is complex. It will take a long time to write it, to feel it. But it needs to be told. I am alone in a bubble of misery. Temporary albeit, but misery. In another day, another reality (things really do change that quickly) I will be ecstatic, elated. Joseph's unique abilities charge me with an understanding of life, of all things. But the wonderful gift given to me at his birth, curses me. God gave me the most precious gift in the world, but I cant have him, hes not mine. Joseph has spent 4 long years in and out of psychiatric facilities, hospitals, group homes with periods of trying desperately to transition him home. My life is broken without him. I am incomplete. He is transitioning to a new group home in November. This is supposed to be a more permanent placement. I am in fear of new staff, another transition for him, me. October is never a gentle month on Joseph or myself. It is filled with memories of broken promises from my childhood, Joseph's birth, the natural rythym of dormancy. We experience it - He and I on a molecular level. And for some reason, we always go down fighting. I am learning Buddhism, Acceptance is key. But I am a long way from it.
This story will be written in Journal style.
It will take a long time to organize it.
I will ramble. and not make sense, I will reference people, books, old journal entries and issues. This work will require footnotes and reference notes. Because of length I will provide an * on facts and items of historical importance. The rest will be bung. Is that a word? You may skip bung and only read *. The choice is yours.
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